In a pickle.

I've come to a crossroads in my life, where anxiety and depression are clouding my mind and it's making it difficult for me to decide which path to choose. I have some amazing people around me to help me but why do I still feel like an outsider. I'm still trying to  balance everyone out, making people happy and spending time with them, but I keep missing people out and I don't wanna lose any of them, but I've noticed as you grow up friends come and go, even the ones you hold close to you. I'm not a selfish person and I never have been, I think of others before myself, I place myself at the bottom of the pyramid and I constantly try to hold everyone up, making sure my friends and family are happy, but lately I've been buckling under the pressure of it all. I've dealt with suicide and self harm for a long time now, and I thought I had it under control, but the urges are getting stronger lately, I'm still resisting but the pressure of the world is drowning me and it's like I'm constantly gasping for air that doesn't exist. I'm growing tired of arguing with the people I love, I'm tired of being people's crutch when I need my own, I'm tired of people taking their anger out on me, all I want is for people to just be happy and it's becoming clearer that if they don't want to be happy then I'll never be able to try turn their life around, as much as I try. I know someone will read this and think "stop making others happy and make yourself happy" .... but that is how I try stay happy, by making my friends and family happy, there's just always people who I can't balance out, and that's what upsets me. Whenever I start a new day I always wonder what the day will bring, but most of the time its just someone having a go at me or being in a mood and taking it out on me, and there's only so much I can take before I snap. Reading this whole thing back I understand it just sounds like I'm moaning and I need to get a grip but with so much piled on top of my shoulders, I really can't get a grip on reality right now and wallowing in self pity seems to be all I can do.

If anyone has any advice or can lend a friendly word that would be great.
                  Pdizz.