In a pickle.

I've come to a crossroads in my life, where anxiety and depression are clouding my mind and it's making it difficult for me to decide which path to choose. I have some amazing people around me to help me but why do I still feel like an outsider. I'm still trying to  balance everyone out, making people happy and spending time with them, but I keep missing people out and I don't wanna lose any of them, but I've noticed as you grow up friends come and go, even the ones you hold close to you. I'm not a selfish person and I never have been, I think of others before myself, I place myself at the bottom of the pyramid and I constantly try to hold everyone up, making sure my friends and family are happy, but lately I've been buckling under the pressure of it all. I've dealt with suicide and self harm for a long time now, and I thought I had it under control, but the urges are getting stronger lately, I'm still resisting but the pressure of the world is drowning me and it's like I'm constantly gasping for air that doesn't exist. I'm growing tired of arguing with the people I love, I'm tired of being people's crutch when I need my own, I'm tired of people taking their anger out on me, all I want is for people to just be happy and it's becoming clearer that if they don't want to be happy then I'll never be able to try turn their life around, as much as I try. I know someone will read this and think "stop making others happy and make yourself happy" .... but that is how I try stay happy, by making my friends and family happy, there's just always people who I can't balance out, and that's what upsets me. Whenever I start a new day I always wonder what the day will bring, but most of the time its just someone having a go at me or being in a mood and taking it out on me, and there's only so much I can take before I snap. Reading this whole thing back I understand it just sounds like I'm moaning and I need to get a grip but with so much piled on top of my shoulders, I really can't get a grip on reality right now and wallowing in self pity seems to be all I can do.

If anyone has any advice or can lend a friendly word that would be great.
                  Pdizz.

Updates

Sometimes when it comes to making decisions in my life, I struggle.

The persuit of happiness

Things at the moment have become a roller-coaster of events, but I'm staying strong and standing my ground, which tbh I've never been good at. My life up untill now has been a mixture of heart breaks, anger, devastation, sadness..the list goes on. Looking back I noticed that I never wanted to be alone, one relationship onto another, always feeling like I'm unstable without the love and attention from another person...untill now. Just recently I've met an amazing group of friends that have been keeping my brain occupied through all the new changes in my life, and I can honestly say they all make me feel wanted, and it's really uplifted my mood! And that's all I need right now, is my friends and family to keep me above water..

& so begins my persuit of happiness

Life

I've always been trying to search for a meaning for my being here, about how I can leave my stamp on this earth before I finally call it a day, and I can honestly say at the age of 23 I still have no idea. I've grown to realise that life can throw curve balls at any point and we have to be there with the bat ready to swing, and now I just take each day as it comes and it works. Who knows what will happen, and rather than planning and trying to keep a schedule, sit back, take it easy and just enjoy the ride, because life is a hell of a roller-coaster and with all its ups and downs, just remember, it'll be fine!! Stay happy guys

P ❤

Mungo

WERE GETTING A NEW CAT!!!
Nobody can understand how happy I am right now! A new addition to my own family :) seen as though I don't want kids, this will be my baby! She's so adorable and she will be called Mungo :)

New Lease On Life...

Hi guys,
Haven't been on here in a while but a lot has changed since my last post..
just lately we got landed with my baby cousin cause my auntie is going through some bad times at the moment, its been a big impact on our lives and has caused a lot of problems. My mum is becoming ill with worry and stress because she had recently been dismissed from work on false accusations and all this on top has just really had an impact on her. My dad has been working over time to try keep our house being taken from under our feet and i hate seeing my parents so down. Recent events have caused my little cousin to be taken into permanent foster care along with my other 2 cousins that had been taken out of their home. With all the stress piling up and people getting on my mums case its forced them to look at houses abroad, and obviously this will have another major impact on me. I got a new job and everything was going great, and apparently because i didn't look happy enough at work, they sacked me. shitty excuse i know. so now i have no job to get my own house before my parents move away, im struggling to walk due to a recent ankle injury which i AM claiming compensation for and trying to find a job before my rents leave is going to be a pain. so as you can see ive been majorly busy. But i want to say a huge thank you to all the people who have been by my side through everything. My amazing boyfriend David Atha, who has been through everything with me, weather its helping me walk about or just generally cheering me up with his antics, Hes been a real star putting up with me and i couldn't get through all this without him. Another thank you to Thom Whitehead, Fred Brown, Elliot Hill, Emii Newsome, Nathan Sheridan, James Hestletine, James Sharp, Blake Beresforde And Charlotte Gooding, you have all helped me so much and i can never thank you all enough for being there when ive needed you all to put a smile on my dial or just talking to me, ive needed you all here beside me and thats where youve all been so THANK YOU ALL!!! If ever any of them need anything they know im always here and that if ever they need help, ill be there as soon as i can... ill keep you all posted on progress.. hopefully with better news :)

Love Y'all
Panda
xo

Here we go again...

Yes guys its happened...its my fault the ex is sniffing again... I have a mental break down and apparently he had to sniff ket. He couldnt just get high or pop a pill.. it had to be sniffing ket.. the one thing he knows rattles my fucking cage. I have a lot of problems hanging over my fucking head right now and he just added to it. I've been telling people that he's changed and that he's stopped sniffing drugs.. and he let's me down again. I don't know what I can fucking do anymore.. I try and try and it gets shot back in my face. Can anyone help me what to do... :'(