Inspire Me.

Totally Let Down.

2012-01-24T08:02:00.000-08:00

As people know due to my previous post, i was in a bit of a jam over my ex.. and i was so close to trusting him again, and recent news has been brought to light that he has betrayed my trust again. This has also driven his mum to tears because she is stuck as to what to do with him.. i have no idea what to do anymore, i have tried helping him as much as i can, but i dont think i can anymore. All i ever did was try my damned hardest to try help him to cut down on drugs and possibly stop all together, but due to my break down on the friday night, apparently because i was saying that i was pissed off and i didnt care what he did, it made him do what he didnt want to.. and to be honest, i dont know how this is my fault. people do what they want to do, i never put the pills to his mouth, he agreed to it himself, and now everything has gone horribly wrong. i wish i trusted him, i wish i believed the things he said to me, i wish that he had never touched the drugs, but thats what an addict does i suppose. i wish he had been a stronger person, because maybe we had been back together by now.. but hey ho.. i guess im not that important. </3

Pack in the pounds!

2012-01-23T07:47:00.000-08:00

people say i dont need to lose weight, but on the inside i feel asif ive let my go with eating a load of crap. i feel like the jeans i wear belong to someone else, they're gettng far too tight for me and i find myself ssqquueeeezziinng into my clothes, but ive checked my BMI and i seem to e an idea weight, does that mean im not entitled to lose a stone atleast?

Such a dark day.

2012-01-23T07:39:00.000-08:00

Today a very close family friend has been taken from us. Good family friend julie passed away this morning :/ she will be sadly missed. Also i want to pay respects to such a great musician Adam Dixon. Taken too early, my thoughts are also with his family and his friends, also my heart goes out to his devoted girlfriend. Also thoughts with Julie Hill, Had some dark news for her today, keep fighting everyone. <3 you have my love.

Cracking under the presure.

2012-01-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

I really didnt know how to start this blog..
to be honest i have so many mixed feelings today ints untrue.
but mainly im actually having trouble with my ex. and i know they say "an ex is an ex for a reason"
but everything was perfect, well atleast i thought it was, untill i found out he had been lying to me, hiding stuff and planning stuff behind my back..i could trust him to the moon and back.. but now.. everythings different.
everyday i walk out my house, one foot infront of the other, a big smile on my face, but inside it feels like butterflies with knives are tearing up my insides. knowing that i put so much effort into something, and so much love and trust, and to have it betrayed the way it was.. ive been lied to in the past, guys have broen my heart, shot me down, made me feel like utter shit, but i felt like this time it was different. seems not. so here i am, cut up and broken, again. lasted long.. i know. i just wish things had of been different, cause it could have ended up something beautiful.. but it just ended up just a something. and even though hes not lying to me anymore, i still feel like he is.. i cant learn to trust him again even though hes maing major life changes for me.. i cant do it, and my heart wants to.. but i just cant. i really dont know what to do anymore. i wanna move away, start a fresh, new people, new places..

Paranoia

2012-01-14T14:18:00.000-08:00

.. is my path to insanity..
just lately i have been putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5.. i look at certain people and think they are all talking about me or dont like me, im checking peoples facebook to make sure they arent lying to me, i think most people hate me, and just certain things in my head dont add up, but i can feel myslf going insane. im not myself again, i felt like this not so long back, as you can see from my previous blogs. im going down my old road again, looking towards the light as a way out.. if you get what i mean. my paranoia is bringing out my suicidal tendencies.. finding myself starring at sharpy objects, wondering if i have a bad enough migraine for my parents to give me some paracetamol, anyway out of this madness state im in. i cant deal with the nightmares, sleep paralysis, visions in my head, voices when im home alone.. i do need propper help but im scared to seek it.. i dunno what im going to do about this, but i need some kind of closure.. and if noone can help me, then ill have to take my way out. and it wont be pretty. Panda out.

The past 4 days.

2012-01-03T13:00:00.000-08:00

i have been up in my room, hardly eating, hardly drinking, and just drawing up peoples tattoo designs, and trying to relieve my stress by sketching as much as i can. it has been a very horrible few days, i seem to snap at people that are trying to be nice to me, i seem to push people away that are trying to see if i am okay, due to the fact of the stress and the fact ive been locked up in here for too long. ive decided to make some major life changes, and i am not going to be the person people expect me to be anymore, i am going to start thinking more for myself, and do the things i wana do, go wherever i wanna go and enjoy my life as much as i can, because i fear i have wasted too much of my life doing nothing. so here we go. im going to start travelling to places i love or to places i have never been before.. weather i go alone or with a friend.. i will travel with my journal, notepads and my camera.. i may start to build up a diary, maybe turn it into a story, as you can see i have a love for writing.. something along the lines of sarah jessica parker in "sex and the city", the carrie bradshaw approach, writing about my likes, dislikes, places ive been, people i meet, things i have done and just basic gossip about my life.. its not an interesting life but i get by.. so next stop.. manchester.

The Next Step

2011-12-28T12:11:00.000-08:00

Ive decided that from now on, im going to persue my happiness, and not sit around on my arse anymore. I'm not going to become what i want by working in a small shop all my life and being on jobseekers. I'm going to salford uni and that is that.. weather people like it or not. i will be leaving everyone behind, i understand this, but my new years resolution is to be more selfish, cause all i do is please everyone else and not think of myself, maybe one day other people will see this and actually think about my feelings and show me some appreciation.. friends, family and possibly other people.. i help out everyone and get such little back. So yeah.. LETS GO! 3 years doing what i enjoy, new people, new city, NEW FUCKING LIFE! :D BRING IT!

Tummy Rumbles

2011-10-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

Okaii,, ive been lied in my boyfriends bed all day while hes been at college,
and im not gunna lie..IM STARVING!
all ive had on me all day is a bag of twix mini's
and im dying for like.. i dno..say
PROPPER FOOD!!
Cheese burger & Chips?
Maccaroni Cheese?
Chips & Gravy Butty?
ANYTHING FIlLING..
If only i had moolah for a takeaway..
I'd be onnit! <- Chav word.. Never to be repeated..
On the up side..
beside me ive had cigs, pop and im in control of the t.v
ive had my daily dose of Spongebob, Two and a half men, Fairly odd parents, Music Channels, Miami & La ink, Custom my ride and the odd Mike and Molly..
High Times in Life..
Right.. Cig rolling time...
:D Peaceee Homies! <3
Xo

A step in a different direction..

2011-10-04T12:35:00.000-07:00

Plans made at the start of 2011:

- Apply for Salford University
- Keep a job and save for living costs
- Pass driving test
- Cut down on smoking
- Stay Happy

Plans achieved:

- None.

I was always such an ambitious person, and whenever i set myself a goal in life i would always try my best to achieve it, but lately i have been turning in a different direction, my Salford plans got set back by Student finance and Bradford college messing up my loans etc, so now im in mega debt, paying off over £1000 of money i never touched, i lost m job due to unfair dismissal and after speaking with the managers i will never get a job there again, as for my saving of money, that also ties in with my loss of a job and paying off my college debt, i am now on job seekers allowance and my life has never looked so bleak for the future of looking after myself financially, as for the cut down on smoking, if anything i have got worse for smoking, but ALSO due to lack of funding, im finding it hard to fuel my habit, small things in life that i need such as toiletries, make-up, food, clothes etc... im also finding hard to fund for as im still struggling to look for a job, ive emailed countless CV's out and not one has come back to me.. the one thing that is slowly keeping me going at the moment is the love from family and friends and a certain someone who is there for me, looks after me and makes me smile just by being there..Dave Atha, i always thought that after joey i would be a hopeless wreck and i had almost died numerous times after giving up on all hope of someone taking me under their wing and looking out for me, but Dave has stepped up and taken the place and since i met him, no matter what the weather, my days are always sunny, he protects me, he cares for me, he looks after me, he feeds me (bonus), he makes me happy... and most of all.. loves me for me.. so now, all i can do, is look for a job, keep my chin above water and keep my fingers crossed for the future.

Big thanks to:

My Loving Mother
My Loving Father
Dave Atha
Victoria Ingham
Thomas Halliday
Lee Albert
Sam hall
James Sharp
Josh Briggs
Lynsey Coull
Luke Johnson
Adam Sands
Matt Adam
Chris Milner
Alex Foster
Amber Davey
Luke Beadle

And Many More...

I Love You All...

<3

Been a While...

2011-05-30T06:17:00.000-07:00

Hey again people! been a while since i last wrote a blog, so i thought id keep you updated with whats going on in life.. i have finally applied for Salford University.. and hopefully i will be going next year.. being around Bradford is proving too difficult for me and i cant handle the shit going on in my life at the moment. i have lost dear friends of mine, and even the closest one to me.. fuck my life.. x

Where am i?

2011-04-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

I used to be such a calm, collective person.. but where have i gone?
last year i was such a happy person, but something one day snapped.. and i would like the old me to come back please. so if anyone has seen a girl, quite small, very shy and is a genuinely nice person to talk to, could you please return her to where she needs to be, because she is sadly missed. The Amy people all know and love today is very sad that she has gone and would like to know if she is ever coming back??

My Moodswings Give Me Whiplash...

2011-04-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

One moment ill be fine, the next ill be a complete bitch, and tbh i have to stop because its pushing valuable people away from me.

Giving My Pillow Head..

2011-04-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

Its time to hit the sack Bloggers! its been a very looonngg day today and i have been waiting for this moment alllll day!? so sleep well Bloggers! PANDA LOVES YOU! <3

Just Lately..

2011-04-17T17:56:00.000-07:00

ive been not able to sleep very well, this reason being due to the dreams i keep having...

In this dream there is a HUGE jack-in-a-box.. and a full grown human wearing an old tattered rabbit suit is winding the handle, and continues to wind it untill the music stops, he then looks over at me and someone i love appears out of the top, and they go on to tell me how i have dissapointed them along my lifeline, and what they think of me when they talk to me, and the only way of coming out these dreams are to cut my wrists and it would get me out the dream..

Strange Right?

Nearly everynight for the past 3 weeks i have had the same dream but everytime its a different person..

Another Day..

2011-04-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

...another blog. its become a common thing now this whole, blogging before bed thing. makes me feel better though, concidering half the things that go on here are depressing.. but getting things off youre chest, weather its on blogger or over the phone to someone or face to face, it makes youre mind relax for that short space of time between finishing a blog and sleeping. :)

Have You Ever Wondered?

2011-04-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

What goes on in peoples heads when you give them an ultimatum? if you say to someone.. " if this has happened its me or her.." and you get a blank response? and deep down in youre heart you now that something has happened, but they cherish youre friendship too much to tell you? im the kind of person that finds out everything that goes on, even if it kills me, but when you can blatently see it happening on youre head, and you know for certain its happened.. what do you do about it? what would you do?

Broken.

2011-04-16T04:57:00.000-07:00

does anyone know that feeling of waking up in a morning to feel like your stomache has eaten itself leaving you to feel like shite? well i felt this exact way this morning. so i thought i would ring a friend who i hold close to my heart, maybe make me feel a little better and all i do is feel even worse. hes not the same person anymore and he said that i changed? all i wanted was someone to make me smile this morning but all i got was the cold shoulder per usual and i ended up getting wound up again, due to the fact im going through a lot lately and hes the one who makes me smile. i would go to the ends of the eart to make him happy, make him laugh and smile, and what do i get in return, nothing. the term for this post "broken" comes from the effort i have poured into making this friendship and the old relationship work, and it comes back to me in shattered pieces, try as i might and i get no time back out of it, wasted effort? i think so..

Lights Poxleitner

2011-04-13T19:25:00.000-07:00

This is Lights Poxleitner

Real name is valerie anne poxleitner and was born in canada on the 11 april 1987.

Genres are Synthpop, New wave & Emo

Occupations are Singer-Songwriter & Musician

Instruments are Piano, Synthesizer, keytar, Guitar, Cello & Vocals

Started Her Career in 2006 to Present

Labels Are "Warner Bros" "Sire" & "Lights Music"

Theres Some Basic Information On Her.

But Seriously Guys! Check out Her Music!

www.iamlights.com/

Peace.

Heartbreak.

2011-04-13T18:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever lost someone you thought would stand beside you through thick and thin, stand with you while the river turns dry, till the sea meets sun, till the end of time itself. well it recently happened to me, and it felt asthough my world had been placed back ontop of my shoulder, weighing me down to the ground, straining my everyday life, effecting my hobbies and education, my relationship with my family, my friends and neighbours, the world seemed to turn grey and the sun in my heart had stopped shining. There comes a time in peoples lives where they have a sudden smack to the face when their least expecting it, and you're whole world shatters to pieces around you, you're heart crumbles to dust and all of a sudden the river that ran dry is now flowing out you're face, repeatedly. Everyone stumbles across these situations everyday, losing the one you love, the one you dreamed of, the one you would happily jump a bullet for, and if you could you certainly would walk an ocean of fire to be where they are, to make them smile, to make them realise you're undying love for them. The moral of my blog is.. " Falling in love is awfully simple, But falling out of love is simply awfull."

NEW!

2011-03-09T03:25:00.000-08:00

Hey Bloggers!
I'm Amy! People know me as "PANDAAAA!"
I'm new to this whole blogging thing, but i hope you find my works interesting and i hope to inspire people to get stuck into Art & Designing and the odd Photography!
So! Keep posted people!
Watch this blog!